I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize