Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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