this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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