I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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