Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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