my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
