I just threw up on my dentist
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
