His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
