I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize