hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
