I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
