Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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