I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
dude. I can hear the air.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
