i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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