he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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