when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
