Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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