The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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