"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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