my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
