Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
