found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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