can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The best revenge is premature balding
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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