Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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