tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
