I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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