im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
