wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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