Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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