I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
