I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I need water and some morals
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