Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
