when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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