How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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