So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
