I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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