so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
