Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
