remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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