Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
