The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize