Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
