I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
