based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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