He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
