Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
