the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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