Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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