I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
