I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
