This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize