totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
