my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
