I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize