My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
